Rejections

I'm so down, like really really down right now. Today, I didn't expect this thing was already sent into my email. I checked my email and was so surprised seeing its subject, I downloaded the PDF with my thumping heart and kaboom right after reading that mail, my heart broke into pieces smaller than pieces. Thanks for ruining my day, dear announcement. I'm so tired accepting rejections, really, a rejection came, another rejection came, and tons effing rejections came. I don't mind those other rejections but for today's rejection I can't, I really can't. Half of this year, I have been spending my time waiting for this. I rejected some offers only because of this. Now see, I rejected people a few times and people rejected me countless times, it might keep on going. Karma happens.

God, I'm not that strong. Why do these things keep happening to me? Even a big strong tree will fall to the ground if people keep cutting it down. So do I, I might collapse anytime. It's not all about my dreams, my obsessions, or my life purposes anymore. It's about my time, I have been wasting it and it keeps on running. I try with my all to chase it but why do obstacles never stop appearing to block my way? The obstacles are not only pebbles but big rocks! I have stumbled for many times. God, if I keep on stumbling I don't know what would happen to me. I might run out of time without having a chance to do something, even a single thing. Would I die useless? At least give me a chance to actualize my mother's expectations. Only that. Only that. I'm not asking much, only that. Only for her. Could you give me a chance, God?

I'm not effortless. I have tried many things. I applied many vacancies. I took many tests. I did many exams. And all are failures. I'm tired, really. Many people say, successful persons are the ones who faced many failures in their pasts and could overcome them. They fell but not crashed. They got up, worked hard, and succeeded in the end. My questions now, how many times do I have to get up from my failures? How many times do I have to face failures? And the most important question is, for how long I could handle all the failures? Really how long I could handle these? I'm worried. I'm afraid these failures would turn into fiasco. I'm really scared, indeed. Please answer me, God.