August

You are the eighth month representing infinity
Your smile is the brightest one compared to others
Your witchery is dangerous and disarming
Summer ends with your warmth before going to fall
It gives you its peak of heat so as to people love you the most
August, you are so generous and ambitious
Dictionaries say you are marked by majestic dignity or grandeur
You have impressive quality, venerable and eminent
Those characteristics really describe you
Hey August, it was you, the time when we first met 
Will you be the occasion for us to exchange sheepish smiles at one another once again?
Will you be there to already look at me as I turn my head looking for you?
Hm August, let me tell you something:

You are the month I always anticipate as the years keep passing. I won't mind spend and waste my time waiting for you, for you are lovable, for you are August. I won't  rip my calendar, month per month in a rush just to meet you because I know God will let us to have a proper rendezvous after July before September.

Let me be myself

I don't wanna fake smiles
I don't wanna live under others' controls
I don't wanna do things I don't like
I wanna be egoistic
I wanna be myself
Let me be

“I am awfully greedy; I want everything from life. I want to be a woman and to be a man, to have many friends and to have loneliness, to work much and write good books, to travel and enjoy myself, to be selfish and to be unselfish… You see, it is difficult to get all which I want. And then when I do not succeed I get mad with anger.”
― Simone de Beauvoir

What is a dream job?

So, I have been working for around four months. This job I've been doing is the first real job I got after I graduated from college and was jobless for around 9 months. Yeah, I'm so grateful to finally have a job, have my own money, and have a routine. But, is it a sin if I start nagging? If I start complaining? If I start sighing? If I start crying? Am I not allowed to do those things when I feel pressured, stressed, and overwhelmed all the time? Am I prohibited to do those things when my job takes over my life and my time to at least laugh together with my family, my friends, or even with myself?

This job is really different from the one I've been dreaming of. Totally different from what I've learned in college. I feel so useless. No one appreciates my title, my abilities, my talents, my skills, my capabilities, and my so-called GPA. I am paid for working hard only, really HARD. I can't find comfort here. I can't meet my actual role. My body is working here but my brain, my soul, and my heart are hovering on an unknown place that hasn't been revealed. I feel numb. I try hard to train my patience for my passion can't be empowered yet. But, it hurts me more, guess what I am not a patient person.

I have to wake up on 3.30 A.M everyday and go to work on 4.30 A.M, I have my break time on 2.00 P.M, I get out from my office on  6.30 P.M (the earliest one) and arrive at home on 9.00 P.M. All happens everyday, I'm exhausted. But, what makes me feel more unhappy is the people. This place is full of hypocrisies. I wanna run away, as far as I can from here. But, I still need money. Yeah, money is my priority for now, for living. It is my dilemma, I wanna leave this place asap but it's hard to find another job. A job that can offer comfort and emotional fulfillment. A job that can let me to have a proper rest and proper meals. I don't wanna be jobless anymore but I don't wanna be tortured by others' ambitions.

What and who to blame now? The situation of my working place? The people here? The distance between my home and my office that is really far? Or myself? The one who is not strong enough to face the obstacles of life. I really wanna make a complete U-turn and go back to my college life, when my duty was only to study and graduate with good grades. Now, my duties are many. My responsibility is not only myself but my parents and my big family. I live not only for myself but for others as well. It's really hard to be a mature person, it's completely tough to be an adult.

Does a dream job really exist? Or is it only a fantasy? Is a dream job something that we have to create by our own selves and depending on the way we mean it? Is my job now a big rock that is becoming a burden on my shoulder? Or a stepping stone that is helping me to jump higher in the future? To stay or not to stay? I don't know. The only thing I know is I don't want my goals to go up in smoke.

I miss writing so much that it hurts

How are you, words?
I miss you so much, so much, damn so very much
I miss talking to you
Thinking of you in my mind 
Typing you with my fingers
Serenading you with my heart
Hey words, sorry for neglecting you these past months
Now I'm back, I'm officially back
Hey words, don't be mad
My love is only for you
I promise to fall in love with you each and every day
Now and then, I dedicate my life to write you...