Monologue

I am silent as death
My lungs move in and out slowly
I barely hear my pulses
My eyes are forced to close
I lay down on my coffin
I put my hands on my ears exerting to minimize the cacophonies of life
It works, they stop haunting my ears
But battling in my head now leading me to a great perplexity
I have an urge to scream, scream as loud as I can
But I can't, my voice is hooked up in my throat making it bleed

This monologue begins
I talk, talk, talk
I deliver long speeches
I seek for aids
I figure things out
I weep, weep, weep
With no sounds
No one can listen to me, even my own self
Since the noisiness those cacophonies have been making is very loud
Meanwhile peculiar silence keeps covering people around me
This monologue continues
I don't know till when
I hope someday it would turn into a dialogue
As if someone would care enough




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If Tomorrow Never Comes

It's 3.13 AM right now and Ronan Keating's If Tomorrow Never Comes is playing on my playlist. Lol now is really not the right time to listen to it. Darkness, silence, and this song is a perfect combination to disturb my serene mind. Okay brain, it's time to think now, thank you very much Mr. Ronan.

Sometimes late at night

I lie awake and watch her sleeping

She's lost in peaceful dreams

So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark

And the thought crosses my mind

If I never wake up in the morning

Would she ever doubt the way I feel

About her in my heart

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life

Who never knew how much I loved them

Now I live with the regret

That my true feelings for them never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself

To say each day how much she means to me

And avoid that circumstance

Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes

Will she know how much I loved her

Did I try in every way to show her every day

That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through

And she must face this world without me

Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last

If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love

Just what you're thinking of

If tomorrow never comes

The lyrics of the song make me wonder, what if tomorrow never comes for me and I never told people I love about how much I loved them. For your information, I am not a type of person who can express things easily, especially love. I can't say 'I love you' to the people I love, verbally. Really, I totally suck at speaking. I prefer to express my feelings and emotions through writing. I even never say 'I love you' to my mom though in fact she is the one I love the most in this world. I never hug her, kiss her, or do loving things a daughter should do. Contrarily, I often make her sad with my rude words and manners. Mom, please curse me, I really deserve it.

What if tomorrow never comes for me and my mom would be left alone not knowing how effing much I love her? She would be very very very sad, right? And also my father, my brother, my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, and my cousins. They would be so sad too if I leave them without never informing them how big my love for them was, right? My friends, as well. They are always there for me but I never reveal my love to them. Would they be sad too if I'm no longer here and I never had the guts to simply say I love you to them? And him, the one I've been laying my heart on. Would he also be sad if I leave him clueless without finding out my real feeling for him was first?

I guess all of them would. Only a guessing though, I'm not so sure about it hehe. So tonight, I decided to give all aforementioned people my confessions in written forms. I will write them a poem, a letter, or whatever it will be called to express my true feelings for them. Yeah, I only will write it here hoping someday they would find out by themselves. Because it will be so awkward for me if I tell them how much I love them directly. Once again, I'm not a verbally-expressive person. Of course my mom wouldn't know about this blog, it would be either I tell her by myself in the future that I had wrote something for her here or if tomorrow really never comes for me, would you anyone who had read confessions I had made by that time do me a favor to tell her about it the day I'm gone? Thank you very much in advance! ^^

I will make those confessions as soon as possible because who knows, tomorrow might never come for me. It's 4.16 AM right now. It took much time for me to write it. I don't know how much time those confessions would take to be written.

My Every Second

Every knotty thought that always wanders around my brain

Every vague image that always appears in my mind

Every complicated string that always dangles all over my heart

Every colorful landscape my eyes always lays on

Every exalted rhapsody my hands always work on

Every enchanting melody my mouth always hums

Every lovely whisper my ears always listens to

Every unspoken word my tongue always slips on

Every delightful feeling I always manage to be hidden

Every gloomy emotion I always try to wipe away

Every tricky hunch that always leads me to confusion 

Every broken piece I always attempt to mend by applying glue

Every saggy part I always wish to fix with a screwdriver

Every damaged section I always want to renovate using my appliances

Every empty space I always look forward to be filled

Every hollow chamber of mine I always conceal

Every strong anchor I always dream to harbor with

Every wide runway I always visualize to land on

Every challenging rail I always imagine to share shakes of life with

Every broad highway I always fantasize to solve traffic jams of world with

Every deep water I always envisage to explore with my little submarine

Every fertile soil I always intend to plant my flowers on

Every fresh air I always plan to breathe when I grow old

Every green leaf to always liven myself up

Every clement morning I always hope to waken me up

Every sunny afternoon that always brightens my day

Every calm evening I always wait to diminish my tiredness

Every precious night I always pray to be here in my every dream

Every sharp clink my alarm makes

Every meaningful tick of my watch

Every second in my every day

You...

Every subject

Every object

Everything I always think of

Every predicate I wanna do with...

... You.

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Que Sera Sera

This afternoon I watched TV, on B Channel there was a very touchy commercial break. It was a Thai life insurance commercial break, the way this commercial break was presented is really beautiful and inspiring. Here it is:

The concept of this commercial break is so simple but the meaning it has is so deep. There are some elementary students singing together making a choir while their teacher accompanies them by playing a piano adding the beauty of their voices. They are singing a famous song which was published first in 1956 sang by Doris Day. Yeah, it's really an inspiring and everlasting song. What makes this commercial break becomes so special is the children starring it have disabilities. Their parents watch their performance, some of them sing along with the children, some of them cry happy tears while some others smile proudly staring at their children innocent eyes. 

Those children sing happily without having any burdens or fears. They keep smiling sending warmth to the people witnessing them. They look just like the other ordinary children without showing their limitations. They don't feel inferior because they know in God's eyes, every person is all the same. The song is really matched with them. It seems like the song was composed for them, for representing their passions and curiosities in facing the future. The boys ask their mothers, "Will I be handsome, will I be rich?" The girls ask their mothers, "Will I be pretty, will I be rich?"

And here is the answer:

"Que Sera, Sera

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be"

The lyrics really stab me to the core. I'm really ashamed, really. I've been questioning my future all this time. I, a so-called-grown-up woman who doesn't have any disabilities, am so afraid to face the future because I don't have any curiosities like those children do. On the contrary, I have so many insecurities. I have been complaining too much though God always gives me everything I need, not everything I want of course but everything I need. But the children, could you see how sincere they are when they sing? They look so grateful while singing though they have disabilities. If I were one of them, I would have committed a suicide the time I realized that I was different from other children. Yeah, that what makes them different from me and that what makes me so ashamed. They have faiths and hopes that don't fade.

Whatever will be, will be. This sentence can be interpreted in two ways. First, because whatever will be, will be, we don't do anything in our life. It's like, yeah God, do anything You want because whatever we do won't matter and You won't mind it, so whatever will be, just will be, whatever... Second, we mean it by doing our best in our life, we pray, we work, we put efforts, and let God do the rest. Whatever God answer is, it will be. If God answers it by giving more challenges, it means He likes our efforts and want us to work harder, and don't wanna see us give up. If God immediately gives good answer, He wants to see our reactions whether we would be grateful to Him or we would forget Him after reaching our happiness. And for whatever His answer is, we have to thank Him because He always gives us chances.

The future is not ours to see. It is a very superb sentence! Yes! It's totally right. It's not our duty to predict what future would be, we aren't psychics after all. Our duty is to learn from our past, live our present as proper as we could be so as to have a bright future. God has His own plans for each and every of us, all His plans are mysterious and remain secret. Who we are to interrupt His jobs by keeping on asking Him about what would happen to us in our future, what we would be in our future, what would we do in our future, what our future would give to us, and so many other nonstop questions. Yeah, who we are. Instead of asking who are we or who will I be, we have to remind ourselves about who we are more. We are humans and don't have any rights to force God to answer our questions and our prayers about our future as soon as possible. Let God work. Let our future comes to us naturally as the time moves. No need to rush.

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be

God's plans will be...

Despondency

When various kinds of foods can't satisfy your hunger anymore, what's the use of eating? You might get fat.

When many liters of drinks can't even eliminate your thirst, what's the use of drinking? Your tummy might be puffed-up.

When pouring water to your body refreshes and relaxes yourself no more, what's the use of taking a bath? Just save the water.

When your hair keeps being messy and starts to fall out on the floor, what's the use of combing it? You might be bald.

When you can't fix yourself and get better, what's the use of reflecting yourself in the mirror? You are just embarrassing yourself.

When no one wants to listen to you, what's the use of talking? It only makes your mouth dry.

When everyone becomes so individualist, what's the use of listening? Only silence will greet you.

When ranks and GPA can't guarantee your future, what's the use of studying and going to school? It wastes your time and money.

When everyone is too busy to socialize with you, what's the use of going outside from your box? Your box is safer.

When resting yourself on the bed for hours no longer energizes yourself, what's the use of sleeping? Zombie is cool.

When there is nothing to do in your life, what's the use of waking up? Sleeping forever sounds more promising.

When everything seems impossible to reach, what's the use of dreaming? Your dreams are meant to be dreams that's why they are called as dreams. Just go sleep and dreams.

When fresh air no longer exists, what's the use of breathing? It will contaminate your lungs.

When there is nothing interesting to see, what's the use of opening your eyes? Your eyes will be tired.

When life feels so numb and you are so dumb, what's the use of living? It only hurts you.

I'm uneasy

I'm depressed

I'm locked in despair

Desperation haunts me

My body, my mental, and my mind are unstable

My soul is being ripped apart from my frame

Too many thoughts

Too many fears

Too many doubts

I lose my confidences

I lose my courage

I lose my hopes

This endless darkness wants to destroy me

This despondency tries to steal my sanity away

I'm sane

I'm sane
I'm sane

I'm still sane...

Rejections

I'm so down, like really really down right now. Today, I didn't expect this thing was already sent into my email. I checked my email and was so surprised seeing its subject, I downloaded the PDF with my thumping heart and kaboom right after reading that mail, my heart broke into pieces smaller than pieces. Thanks for ruining my day, dear announcement. I'm so tired accepting rejections, really, a rejection came, another rejection came, and tons effing rejections came. I don't mind those other rejections but for today's rejection I can't, I really can't. Half of this year, I have been spending my time waiting for this. I rejected some offers only because of this. Now see, I rejected people a few times and people rejected me countless times, it might keep on going. Karma happens.

God, I'm not that strong. Why do these things keep happening to me? Even a big strong tree will fall to the ground if people keep cutting it down. So do I, I might collapse anytime. It's not all about my dreams, my obsessions, or my life purposes anymore. It's about my time, I have been wasting it and it keeps on running. I try with my all to chase it but why do obstacles never stop appearing to block my way? The obstacles are not only pebbles but big rocks! I have stumbled for many times. God, if I keep on stumbling I don't know what would happen to me. I might run out of time without having a chance to do something, even a single thing. Would I die useless? At least give me a chance to actualize my mother's expectations. Only that. Only that. I'm not asking much, only that. Only for her. Could you give me a chance, God?

I'm not effortless. I have tried many things. I applied many vacancies. I took many tests. I did many exams. And all are failures. I'm tired, really. Many people say, successful persons are the ones who faced many failures in their pasts and could overcome them. They fell but not crashed. They got up, worked hard, and succeeded in the end. My questions now, how many times do I have to get up from my failures? How many times do I have to face failures? And the most important question is, for how long I could handle all the failures? Really how long I could handle these? I'm worried. I'm afraid these failures would turn into fiasco. I'm really scared, indeed. Please answer me, God.

Within the Raindrops

It's raining. It's rainy season. An unprepared fool I am, I forget to bring an umbrella to protect myself from myriad drops of the rain. I don't care, I keep on walking. I'm not worried of the fact that I might get sick after playing within the raindrops. The sickness the heavy rain has been making inside my heart is more painful. I don't know when it would stop or at least slow down its pace into drizzles. I don't pay any damn attentions to how soaked I might look, I always look miserable anyway. Some prepared people bring their umbrellas, some unprepared fools like I am take shelters, at least they are smarter than me now. All of them look at me pitifully, they shout asking me to take a shelter too together with them. I don't listen to them, their concerns are fake. Some children bringing their umbrellas approach me, they start offering me umbrellas, I don't heed them because their concerns must be paid. Those people complain, "What an ill-mannered girl, we all are trying to save her from this rain but she ignores us, just forget her and let her live with her stubborn self, let's us just see she will survive or not." Those children shout and stick their tongues out at me, "What a stingy person you are!" I hear everything what they said, I don't care, I can't feel any sincerity comes from all of you, good people. Besides, ignorance is a bliss, isn't it?

It's raining, heavily. I am drenched. My eyes are watery, I don't know the waters are raindrops or tears. I don't care, just let them be. The road is slippery, I might get slipped anytime. People walk carefully, some of them tippytoe because they are so freaking afraid of falling. Annoying, what's so scary of falling on the road? You would only make your butt have a contact with the ground. Worse, you would injure yourself a little. Worst, you would embarrass yourself since people witnessing how you slip will laugh uncontrollably at you. Are those people scared of the pains it might make? Or they don't wanna embarrass themselves? Yeah, it used to hurt much for me before but I'm get used to it since falling and embarrassing myself are my hobbies, have I told you about these two hobbies of mine? Now, falling feels numb more rather than hurt. Now, embarrassing myself in front of people is not a big deal since I'm ashamed enough of my own self. I keep walking, don't care about anything. What an ignorant girl I am.

It's raining, heavier. Puddles are everywhere. From head to toe, I'm totally wet. I don't wanna save myself and someone to save me is too coward to break through this rain; someone I wish was here to rescue me from this rain, to come to me, to stand beside me protecting me with his umbrella sincerely, to soothe me with his warmth prefers to save himself first. After all, I'm alone, always. Here, within these raindrops after bumping into many people, I finally realized that there are many kinds of people. There are right people, wrong people, people who think they are right, people who think they are wrong, cowards, fake people, sincere people (which are very rare), people who like to disguise behind masks, veiled liars, two-faced people, and more zillions types of people I haven't discovered yet. I think I have to walk within the raindrops more in order to explore the types of people deeper because by hearing the sounds of raindrops touching my head to my shoulders to my palms and to the tops of my feet before falling completely to the the ground, my senses work. I, on the other hand, don't know to which types I belong, I think I am included in not-existed people, invisible people, soul-less people, people who don't have any roles, or I don't know. I hardly recognize myself, all I know now is I have a body like everyone else. I have wants and needs like all of them. I have dreams those other people do. I am just empty, inside. I have substances with no spirit.

It's raining, still. It seems like an unending rain for me.
Would the rainbow come to wipe these raindrops away?
If it wouldn't come, would I survive battling with these raindrops with no weapons?
Sky will answer, soon.

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Curtain

I lock the door of my room
None has the permission to enter this room but me
I shut the windows
None can see what's happening inside the room but me
I pull the curtain off to block sunlight, even the slightest ray of it is not allowed to peek through the window
I don't like sunlight, it's hot
It hurts my eyes
It makes my head ache
It forces my body to produce sweats
I like hiding behind this curtain more, it's dark, cozy and mild

Since I always prevent the sunlight to greet me using this curtain and all I can see is darkness,
I no longer can differentiate between day and night
I can't control my body anymore, instead it starts to take control over me
I can't sleep at night
I feel like I'm living in another world
I sleep when everyone is doing activities
I live when everyone is resting
I'm always wide awake till the dawn comes
The rooster is my alarm to remind me it's already dawn, when it crows I go to sleep
I sleep deeply till I hear the sounds of children running together, yeah their noisiness is the signal that it's already daylight, it's 1 P.M already, the time they go back from school
Praise my ability, I can recognize time only by hearing sounds now
I open my eyes not to wake myself up completely
I open my eyes not to start my activity that is, of course, too late to begin at this moment, I don't have any activities to do anyhow
I open my eyes only to daydream and hallucinate
My fantasies are beautiful, they dance elegantly in my head
With no intentions to get out of it and be real instead
So what could I do? I continue my daydreaming till the dawn comes and go sleep after that
It's all my daily routines now
And it's going in a circular motion
It's so relaxing, isn't it?
I don't need to tire myself with works
I don't need to stress my brain out to think
I don't need to dry my mouth to talk
I don't need to crease my hands to move
I don't need to exhaust my feet to walk
I just need to lay down and chill, perfect

But don't ever think my life is blissful being like this
The fatigue I feel for doing nothing is much worse, way worse than from doing zillion jobs where I tire myself from head to toe (which I prefer more)
The fatigue I feel is not physically, yeah it is either mentally or emotionally
Emotionally, mentally, I'm drained
The fatigue sends me over the edge, I could fall and die anytime
It flows massively from my brain to my heart to my bones to my muscles even to my whole nano cells
Can you imagine how it feels?
Can you feel what I feel?
Can you put yourself in my shoes?
I hope your feet fit in my shoes so you can take a walk with them

I may look okay from outside, okay in term everything in my life is alright
But who knows
Who predicts
Who thinks
Who imagines
Just like a play, once the curtain is pulled down, the actress has to stop acting
She needs to be back to her own self
She needs to show her true color
Yeah, behind this curtain, I'm just as insecure and scared and fragile and vulnerable and neurotic as anybody I don't know, you know. Maybe you feel the same like I do?



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Me and My Solitude

Tonight, I need to ponder my despair in a seclusion

I decide to go on my feet roving to an unknown place nonchalantly

Only me, myself, and I. Just the three of us, with no other companions

It is cold. Oh, cold enough! I think the wind is on fire

Some crickets sing along making a big hidden choir, signing the stillness of this place

Ah, it's so serene right now. A perfect timing for having a quality time with myself

I look up, the stars are hanging out together making a wonderful constellation

The moon smiles crescent, yellow, beautiful, bright, and elated

The black sky is not lonely anymore for owning those stars and a moon to brighten its darkest phase, for getting the crickets as its source of music

I smile like the crescent moon does

I'm still staring at the sky intensely while putting both of my hands inside my pockets to warm them

I contemplate and commence a chitchat with myself

I begin our conversation by discussing the crickets, the stars, the crescent moon, and the sky we saw before

How fortunate they are, they live when most people are sleeping

When the crowds are resting, when life is not hectic, when everything is in a perfect serenity

They are blessed, though they live in darkness, they still have their faithful mates to accompany them to face the dark

The topic of our conversation for tonight is quite deep, it is about the difference of loneliness and solitude

I'm starting to ask myself, "What is the difference of loneliness and solitude in your opinion?"

"Either loneliness or solitude has meaning as a state of being alone. But, they will be totally different on the way you mean them." Myself answers.

"What do you mean? The way I mean them?" I ask myself again.

"Yes, the way you mean them. It will be loneliness if you suffer when there's none other than me to help you, to support you, to lift your burdens up in facing everything your life offers. It will be solitude when you enjoy my companion, examine things with me, solve your problems by asking my suggestions first, and delight our situation: you as subject, you as object, and me as yourself." Myself replies boldly.

"W-w-what?" I respond to myself's answers in stutter.

"What do you mean by w-w-what? Come on if you continue being like this, your life will be useless. Stop trapping me. Because me as yourself is not trapped by situations, you are the one who trap me, you are the one who imprison me, you are the one who have to take all responsibilities for what you've done. Stop blaming others, fate, and even God. Stop bemoaning for all griefs you created on your own. When you are alone, without any friends to talk to, without any families to share with, without anyone pays even a slightest attention to you, note in your mind you have to mean your state of being alone as solitude. Call me to communicate with you though sometimes I can be a totally-deaf jerk who ignores you and lets you fall even deeper, when I act like that don't be tired to call me even for million times till I answer you or else both of us will be completely lost. But, the most effective way is to pray and converse to God because He is the only one who won't ever leave you alone. He is way more faithful than the crickets, the stars, and the crescent moon who will leave the night when they get bored." Myself shouts at me.

I am shocked, confused and start to digest every word myself has uttered to me. Myself is right. Yeah, totally right, she is sober and in the most conscious condition now. None has to be blamed but me. None has to be judged but me. None has to be introspected but me. I have to get up, I really do.

I let out a long sigh and my conversation with myself ended

My innermost has vented all things she wanted to say in the middle of this silence

Being alone is not loneliness, it is solitude

Solitude is something I have to cherish with myself

Solitude is an art

Solitude helps me to strive

Solitude is my sunlight to color my life in the middle of this darkness.

Proper Closure

I want to run
I have been stepping my misguided feet in this void for too long
I'm bored living accompanied by memories that are too impossible to be replayed
I'm weary wandering around my fantasies that are too good to be true
Where's the key?
Where's the answer?
I need to stop this, I really do
I need to solve this quizzical maze
I want to save my trapped self as soon as possible
I want to call my lost soul to be back to where it belongs
I don't want to be selfless anymore, it's enough
Or else I would be drowned deeper
Where am I now?
Let me back to the surface
Give me the light
Let me find a way out
I want to go home
Don't trick me, time
Stop ridiculing me, fate
Please, please I beg you, show me where my proper closure at...