Visibly Invisible

Every time our eyes collide one another, you always see straight through me

As if I'm not there; I look at your direction, you look away for my radiation

I wave my hands in front of you, I call your names repeatedly but you never notice me

I clamor seeking for your attentions yet your sight never catches me 

Facts of myself are grounded under your perceptions

Your wisdom is trapped by your assumptions

Your comprehensions are covered by your accusations

Now, I'm caving in because I realized, for you I am visibly invisible

Or am I less visible than invisible?

Luminosities

No stars sheening, no moons glistening
My nights have nothing to be adoring; boring
I shut my eyes tightly welcoming your dazzling images
Envisaging me clinging onto you while holding me firmly is your job
All my ordinary nights are getting conjured to be luminosities
How about your nights there?
Do you happen to imagine the same thing?

Afloat

Row our narrow boat, wrap me with your coat

Don't let me solely rot on this intricate road

Read my venting note, fill that hollow spot

Make me as your tote keeping me afloat

Resonation

Amplify my paralyzed self with your bones
Energize my crumbly soul with your bloods
Blow your breath into my tightened mouth to revive me
Cast your magical spells on both my ears to flatter me
Let's evoke our emotions and feelings
Let's correspond intimately and harmoniously in our resonation

Packaged Lies

Loving smiles, tender eyes
Beautified voices, thrilling words
Tingling touches, sticky embraces
Seduce me with your packaged lies

Beneath Your Beautiful

Beneath Your Beautiful (Labrinth Feat Emeli Sandé)

You tell all the boys "No"

Makes you feel good, yeah.

I know you're out of my league

But that won't scare me away, oh, no

You've carried on so long,

You couldn't stop if you tried it.

You've built your wall so high

That no one could climb it,

But I'm gonna try.

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?

Would you let me see beneath your perfect?

Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl

I wanna see inside

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

You let all the girls go

Makes you feel good, don't it?

Behind your Broadway show

I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me"

You've carried on so long

You couldn't stop if you tried it.

You've built your wall so high

That no one could climb it.

But I'm gonna try

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?

Would you let me see beneath your perfect?

Take it off now, boy, take it off now, boy

I wanna see inside

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, tonight?

I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower

I'll hold your hand and then we'll jump right out

We'll be falling, falling but that's OK

'Cause I'll be right here

I just wanna know

This song is so beautiful. Just so beautiful. It teaches us to not love someone by seeing her/his surface only. Everyone for sure has flaws. If we fall in love with someone only based on his/her appearance, I bet the number of singles in the world will increase rapidly. Yeah, there are some sane, smart and wise people who want to see beneath of others' looks. They don't judge based on what can be seen, they want to dig the invisible things out since the visible ones can trick.

It would be so nice to meet someone who wants to see beneath myself. From outside, I'm not that good, not that special, not having magnetic charms. Hence, I want to bump into someone who plans to know me deeper. Someone who intends to discover me on his own not by interviewing others. Someone whose goal is finding my inner beauty not just blinking at my outer skin. Someone who aims to knock on my heart using his arrow. That person won't give up easily to win me and beat my doubts up, that person will be so excited to share thoughts with me because from it he will know who I really am more.

That person will investigate me first before jumping to conclusions. We will have unending discussions in our lifetime journey. He is wise and so mature to find out the reasons of who I am rather than judging me based on not-sure-who-I-am physical image. After exploring my inward self, he undoubtedly will face my lacks of perfection. But, he is so prudent to not throwing me away because he knows within my deficiencies, there are unique attractions hidden. And he is the only man who is patient enough to uncover them.

My insecurities always force me to separate myself from the crowds. I like to lock myself inside a dark room waiting for someone who is brave enough to break in and pull me out to see the lights. I'm insecure but I still dream of future, myself is so cloistered but I still can love and be loved, see beneath my beautiful first and you will understand. Because everyone is beautiful despite his/her anxieties in living the life.

Merry Christmas

"Many people want to change the world. Many people want to change others. But only a few of people want to change themselves."

Above is this year Christmas' message. I think of it all over again to finally comprehend that myself is one of those people. Changing the world and changing others came to my mind frequently as if I was a saint people who was perfect, clean from any sins and didn't need to be changed. I was wrong, totally wrong.

Thanks God for coming to the world and be the Savior for us; the sinful people

You were born in simplicity teaching us to be modest for all we have are not ours, all come from You

You were born to purge our sins instructing us to sacrifice for others, to not putting ourselves on the very top of our lists

You lived only to be humiliated, to be tortured, to be crucified for nothing You've done wrong persuading us to have large-scale patience

I brood, I pray and I realized I'm so sinful

I don't know how to be grateful for all You've been giving to me

You simply ask me to come to You, to love others, to walk on Your path

Only those, but I haven't executed any

In contrast, I keep making sins by sins

I'm so ashamed, do I deserve being saved?

With all things I've done wrong, it seems like I'm having an intention to make You be crucified for the second time

I don't want to do that, God

I honestly don't want to

Forgive me, God

Do I still deserve another forgiveness? I can't recall how many times I've been forgiven

I always repeat my mistakes after trying to repent

Yeah, I never repent sincerely; I only plan it, haven't performed it properly yet

Forgive me, God. Forgive me..

I want to be changed

Change me, God

I want to be a better person for others, moreover for You, God; this is all I want

I want to be a new person just like a newborn baby

I want to change

I want to change myself under your guidance

Help me, God...

That Woman

She has been walking alone all this time on her own feet without any supports coming from others

She has been drooping many times after facing massive obstacles but decided to rise up for her children

She is very very very super tough to face the toughest days, indeed

She is so warm to battle with the coldest weathers

But, I, her only daughter, wasn't there for at least soothing her with my words

In opposite, I hurt her to the core of her heart with my verbal swords

Her bones are starting to get brittle eroded by her unexpressed tears

She never complains, she swallows all her pains alone as the wave of the sea engulfs the sand

She is way more wondrous than the Wonder Woman

She has been endeavoring and struggling to make a life for me

She carried me around in her tummy for more than 9 months

Her umbilical cord sustained me keeping me alive

I was so naughty, I made her deal with that sickness called nausea

I kicked her repeatedly inside her tummy

I managed to make her suffered to her tiniest pieces

I was so stubborn making her bleed when I refused to get out of her tummy

I even forced her to breathe uncontrollably, she had to inhale and exhale and inhale and exhale more 

To deliver me, she had to tear her womb off with all her powers, I couldn't imagine how painful it was

I responded for all her efforts to give a birth of me with no smiles, instead I cried out loud with my noisy voice

I have been hurting her since I even haven't took my breath properly yet

When I was a baby, I doubled her pains

I always disturbed her when her time to have some rest came

My noisy voice always rang like an alarm asking her to give me milk, to carry me in her hands, to take care of me

I bit her nipples when she was breastfeeding me, more bloods flowed only for me

I was so egoistic, I only thought of myself and my happiness

I didn't care if she didn't have enough sleep and got sick as the result

I didn't care whether she got hurt or not, whether she was so tired or not

I whined, I vomited, I peed, I pooped, I always made such a fuss

I was a huge troublesome infant

She taught me to talk for only getting hurt by my  bad utterances

She held my hands guiding me to walk for only being left alone by my speedy steps

She educated me with moral values for only to be treated impolitely by my actions

She hugged me when I was cold and now I let her freeze

She protected me from the heat of the sun and now I let her burnt

She raised me with all her bloods, sweats, and tears and now I dump her

She poured powder to my skin to make it healthy and soft, now I let her get wrinkled

She brushed my hair gently, now I let her hair get white slowly and fall to the ground strand by strand

As I grew older, I tripled, quadrupled, and so on her pains

I was an annoying brat, I demanded many things from her and she had to grant them all

I was so ungrateful with what I had, I wanted more, I wanted my mother to serve me with all golds and diamonds in this world

And guess what, she cut and bled herself just to comply my non-sensed requests

She crawled on the ground to get money, she injured all her body to provide me good educations from kindergarten until I became a so-called Bachelor in order to make me a successful woman

She threw her pride away and do anything to see me, this ill-mannered daughter, becoming a new strong woman following her trails

She put solid foundations on my feet so that I wouldn't fall

In case I would fall, she will be there to fall first and let me oppress her

She never paid attentions to herself, she always put her children as her first goal

Though she only can eat salt, her children have to eat rice; that's her philosophy

I never thanked her for everything she has done for me

On the contrary, I blamed her for nothing she has done wrong

I always got mad at her, I yelled at her, I uttered harsh words

I slammed my room's door every time I had arguments with her

I didn't want to answer her questions even the simplest one though she always answered me every time I asked her non-stop when I was a child, a child who was surrounded by curiosities

My offensive attitudes, I hate myself for them

I was so insubordinate, rebellious, sinful, and all bad adjectives really suit me

But her, that most beautiful woman always loves me

The only unconditional love in this universe, merely her pure heart that can produce it

Her love to me is so lavish but I never give even the cheapest one to her

Her melodious voice sometimes sounds so poignant yet she doesn't want to share her hardships

She equips me with strengths to carry my burdens on my own

She teaches me to not be a clingy girl just like her

Her eyes are the shiniest stars

Pink roses blossom on her cheeks

A crescent moon is blinking on her smiles

Her heart is molded by diamond blood

Her hands are softer than the most expensive silks

Her feet are stronger than the strongest rocks

She is the Heavenly Host to be

That woman, she is my mother

Happy Mother's Day, mom. I love you. Though my love can be measured and can't ever compare yours.

Image via olaalaa

My Touchstones, My Dreams

Dreaming is my sweet escape when I'm too tired to be me

When I'm too sick of noises 

In dreams, I can feel lone in peaceful desolation

In dreams, I can dream within my dreams

In dreams, I can be someone else, someone I have been dreaming to become

I can control all people, society, the world, and the life to dance moving with the help of my fingers shakes; they are my puppets

I can be irrational and it's the fanciest thing in my life

I've been creating many dreams all this time on my own, they are heightened from time to time

I'm the director of my dreams, I cut all bad parts, rewind good scenes, and publish perfect movies

I choose all actors and actresses that I admire to perform in my works

I'm the painter of my dreams, I color all happiness with the brightest colors and blur the sadness with my techniques

I pick the highest-quality blueprint as the medium of the scratches of my right hand

I'm the writer of my dreams, I type all bright memories italicized and underlined, sometimes I bold them as well

I delete all painful moments simply by pressing the backspace button repeatedly until they are totally wore off 

I dream as wild as I can be for the wildest dreams are the most profound

As high as my capacity to hover along with the clouds without worrying of falling

As calm as my unreadable outer image

As crazy as my unimaginable inner image

I have been dreaming the hardest

There are no rules prohibiting me to dream as much as I want

There are no boundaries limiting me to dream anywhere and anytime

Either I dream when I sleep or when I wake up, they are my absolute rights

I am cognizant, I dream in both my conscious and unconscious mind

If my dreams couldn't come true, it's okay, they have been being all real in my head

I would just dream on and keep dreaming on, enter the dream world and never come out

My brain is my territory, any thoughts can come and go as they like with my permissions

That small room made for dreaming in my brain is my cozy concealment

Many people can rule me, myself , and I but no, a big no no; they are not allowed to govern my dreams

They can't cross the wall I built high to protect my dreams

My dreams, even the most impossible one, none is permitted to forbid me to dive in them

Don't try to save me, I might go a bit lunatic because of my dreams

They are all my dreams, mine; not yours, not theirs, not even ours

They have been altering from fantasies into realities and vice versa
They won't ever tire me

I already know the risks, everything has causes and effects, I know

With passions, efforts, poured bloods, flowing tears, perseverance, prayers, and faith; my dreams shall happen

Though I would die before being fully awakened by them, I don't care

My dreams are my touchstones

Decision-Making

"Many considerations are needed before deciding something. For who you are will be decided based on your decisions."

As we grow older, we have to decide everything in our life on our own. We are not kids anymore who only sit and wait calmly letting our parents do all the decisions, like choosing schools to attend, picking clothes to wear, selecting shoes to buy, and so on. Yeah, our parents have decided all things for us when we were little children, when we haven't known many things yet, when we haven't managed to explore how real life would be like yet, and when we haven't noticed all dirty little secrets of this world yet. But now, we are old enough, really really old enough to decide anything. Are your parents still control you in making decisions? Oh, that's sucks. My mom always lets me to decide anything on my own because she trusts me, she attends my will to be admitted as a mature person, and she understands I'm not a little girl anymore who has to listen all the time, sometimes I wanna be listened as well. She, of course, doesn't let me to think alone. She gives me suggestions often which sometimes are not that helpful. I don't care you would curse me as an ungrateful brat for having such understanding mother but still complaining, that's the truth though. 

How I wish my parents were still the ones who decided everything for my future since I think I'm completely stupid in deciding something. Moreover, my head is messed up with many thoughts which make my brain get sunk and can't think properly. Emotions control over my brain. Like, I dumped something sure for other unsure things. Like, regrets always came right after I decided something. I've ever heard a saying says, "Life needs bets, for you don't know what the results would be. Either it will be failures or successes, you have to try first." Hello, I already bet almost a year of my time this year, what was the result? Major failures!
How I wish someone from the future would use a time machine, ride it to come to me, and warn me whether the decision I've made is wrong or not. Like, that someone would say, "Don't choose A you would be screwed up! Don't choose B you would get nothing! Don't choose C you would disappoint many people! Choose D, that's the best answer for you and your loved ones!" LOL, life would be as easy as blinking eyes if things went like that.

Now, I have to face some multiple choices again. I wish these unknown choices could be done by counting the buttons of my shirt, like really. I wanna bet all uncertain things in my life by trying everything without losing anything which sounds impossible. If you wanna bet, you have to be ready to lose. Either you will lose your things, your money, your time, or even your self. I don't know, people keep saying "Be courageous, face anything waiting you ahead with no doubt and fear." I really wanna slap them people hard in their faces while telling them "Dude, talking is cheap, really really cheap. You have to go through what I've been going through first to know what insecurities feel like. You've been living in your comfortable mansion for too long so you don't know how complicated my journey is."

I'm afraid I would take the wrong way again. I'm scared I would decide a wrong thing in a minute that will ruin my life as a whole. Anxieties, insecurities, 'what-ifs', 'should-haves', and doubts are totally bothering me, they are so lethal, homicidal, suicidal, they even made me encounter a self-rejection. But, what else I could do? Nothing but deciding. Who else I could ask to decide something for my life? None but me. I have to be independent, I don't wanna cling on other people, I don't wanna betray my hopes I've been building all this time. I have to decide my own future since everything is up to me, not fate. Fate would have been written different if I was wise enough to decide. Yes, everything has to be decided calmly and wisely. I can't cross a chasm in just two or three effortless steps.

After dealing with many failures, I have learnt many things. Yeah, failures are painful yet useful. I decided to think

theoretically in deciding something which will help me do the reasoning process for any decisions I will take. I will use my empirical knowledge, likewise. Experiences are so valuable, they teach me many things that other people neither could learn nor understand if they never experienced the experiences by their own selves. My empirical knowledge will help me in considering my decision whether it will be good or not based on my previous decision-making and my prior ups and downs while battling with failures. Last but not least, I will ask God's guidance because He is the One and Only who knows what is the best for me. I hope the decision I'm going to make will be the wisest decision I've ever took.

Images via weheartit (1, 2, 3)

True Soul Mate

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

When?

When will realities be fancier than dreams?
When will nightmares go back to their root to be worse than realities?
When? This type of Wh-questions keeps beeping in my mind
It bothers me
It annoys me
It steeps me
It disconcerts me
When? There must be an answer for this question, right?
I'm waiting because I believe time will answer in time
In time, I wish I could understand who I am
And how I would fit in the ever-changing world
Patience, passions, strengths, and self-confidence are all I need now
Where have they gone?
Come back
Come home
I need to revive myself up
When? Now or never.

Hiding My Heart

Shadow

He only appears showing his shapes imitating her moves every time the light takes action
Because he is clearly seen that time merely
But, who knows he might be there below her feet when darkness comes
He, perhaps, hides in the blackness dissembling in an opaqueness
There is a probability, he always keeps an eye on her all the time
He lets her feet step on him to prevent any harmful things hurt her
He follows her behind to protect her from perilous matters
Apparently, he's always there watching her every action
Without her knowing
Without her realizing anything

Every time she looks down below, what she sees is only shadow of her feet
She keeps treading on it and he bears all pains she gives silently
When she looks behind, all she sees is only shadow of her figure imitating her strides
She keeps walking fast and he endures all fatigues she offers without complaining just to catch her
She is not aware on the fact of her loyal shadow that has been giving her a company is him
Yes, it's him, the one she has been doubting on
Yes, it's him, the one she has been concluding on
Yes, it's him, the one she has been throwing all negative thoughts at
In fact, he's always there anywhere she is
Who to blame then?
Her with her incorrect assumptions?
Him with his cowardliness?
The sun that blinds her eyes making her not recognizing him?
Or the moon that doesn't give enough lights to reflect his physique?

They are so compatible
She is his body
He is her shadow
Someday, I'm sure he will have an audacity to stand up from the ground and simply poke her back
Definitively, she will sense his faithful appearance after getting notified by him
Yeah, they will be sculpted together
That shadow will never leave her
When her time comes to move into a different world
She will  wrap her shadow and keep him folded neatly in her dead heart
Until they meet again in another life

I fall in love with the way you write

Your hair is a bit messy, I really wish I could fix every strand of it up using my hands

Your forehead is adorable, I desire to paste a peck on it though I have to tiptoe a lot since you are way taller than me

Your eyebrows hang perfectly on the top of your winsome eyes that make numbers of girls easily get drowned in them

Your ears have perfect curves, it must be good to whisper on each of them while trailing your earlobes with my index fingers

Your nose is cute, my nose wants to try doing an Eskimo kiss with it

Your jawlines are so sharp and strong forcing my ten naughty fingers of my hands wanna explore every part of your face

Your lips, both upper and lower, are so luring, I'm curious with how they taste like

It must be nice to snuggle on your attractive neck while sniffing your anesthetic scent

It must be nice to hold on your solid shoulders which won't let me fall to the ground

It must be nice to lay my head on your broad chest while listening to your melodious heartbeats

It must be nice to feel your arms wrapping around my body so tight giving me your warmth

It must be nice to experience magical touches of your fingers sending vibrates on my skin 

It must be nice to let our toes rub each other below there as we hug

Yeah, all your charms, it must be nice to call them mine

All material spells of yours I admire and all physical actions I imagine to do with you

Call them lust

Yeah, call them lust

What makes me love you is the way you pour your thoughts on your writings

I can see clearly the way you think through them

Your point of views

Your visions

Your positions towards everything

Your hopes

Your wants

Your dreams

Your goals

Sometimes, you can be so wise but most of the times you be an idealist who often conflicts with practical considerations. It's okay, we are all idealists in certain ways. But examining others' opinions before deciding something won't harm us. That's what we need to note.

I can get to know of you more by enjoying your writings 

I can discover some sides of yours

Your poetic side

Your romantic side

Your sweet side

Your fragile side

Your melancholic side

Your perfect side the girls are crazy over

Hey, you have fans and I'm one of them

Yeah, the way you write, I fall even deeper and deeper every time I read your creations

They are so beautiful

Your ideas

Your language uses

Your vocabulary choices

Your dictions

The way you turn simple objects around us to be meaningful works

The way you can make the readers feel your emotions

The way you put the readers walk on your shoes

The way every feeling is portrayed is extremely terrific

The way you string one word with another up is just too lovely

The way you change words into phrases, clauses, and sentences is very sexy

Those words, phrases, clauses, and sentences you create are so seductive

Just by reading them, I will be sent to the seventh heaven

I fall in love with the way you write because through it I can feel your sincerity

And through it I can be close to you though we are separated by distances and spaces

Yes, through it I can feel your presence embracing me invisibly

I read your writings and I'm pierced

I feel what you feel

I dream what you dream

I need what you need

And my senses knock my door, you are what I need.

Hey, let's meet up!

You know why Earth is round?
Because the center of it is destined to be our place to meet, eventually
We will move in a circular motion
We will walk on this super big circle
It's gonna take so much time
It's not gonna be easy for us to meet for sure
We will be hindered by zillions barriers
We will meet wrong persons multiple times
But I guarantee you, we will overcome all, it's so gonna be worth
If you're gonna move from the North, I'm gonna move from the South
If you're gonna move from the West, I'm gonna move from the East
Let's meet up on the center of the Earth
As gravity drags our steps
As wind in my place blows to where you are
As wind in your place exhales to where I am
As clouds hover on the sky giving signals to us where in the world we could be
As our voices calling one another seduce us to follow them
As your magnetic effects pull me into your hug
Let's meet up at the precise moment
The time our eyes are meant to throw stares at each other
The time your breathtaking smiles are planned to make me neither able to move nor to speak
The time we're gonna reciprocally utter  'Hey, I've been looking for you'
The time God has arranged to be our real first meeting
The time we're gonna identify that we are true mates without showing our identity cards first
Let's meet up at the proper circumstance
Just by looking at me you're gonna find me
Just by smelling your scent with my blindfolded eyes, I'm gonna recognize you
Let's invent each other
Since it has decided so, it's inevitable
For you to claim me
For me to patent you
For others to not intersect an invisible thread that has been bonding us since we were born
Let's meet up, stop cheating on our fate
Let's meet up and don't be late
Let's meet up without scheduling our meeting in advance
Let's meet up in this 'blind-date' without telling each other what to wear before
Let's meet up without any concrete, solid, or tangible signs
Let's meet up and be clueless at first
Let's meet up accidentally but not turn our encounter to be an accident
Let's meet up by going through heaps of serendipitous coincidences
Let's meet up and fall in love the moment our feet stop stepping
Because I will be there, inches in front of you
And your heart will notice
Follow it...



Image via weheartit